This past year I have been on a journey of self discovery -- post-divorce, post-20's, post-thinking I actually have anything figured out. It has been quite a journey so far! I talked about it and the lessons learned in my first ever deeply personal blog post on my other site.
That blog entry was SO cathartic to write. But, so terrifying to post. As I hit "publish" my heart raced, my hand trembled, and I re-read it several times desperate to find any spelling errors, typos, bad grammar, or anything that sounded stupid before anyone else saw it.
Writing that was supposed to be a happy ending story about how life was really hard, and now it's really awesome, YAY! Instead it opened a whole other can of worms. Since then I realized just how terribly afraid I am to be seen. Seriously scared to let myself be truly seen by others.
For years I have hid behind words like "modest", "humble", even "conservative" and what I'm learning now is that was complete bullshit. I am not modest -- I'm scared as hell!
I have been working on coming out of my shell recently and made steps to be more transparent. I added more pics of myself to my websites, even an Army picture. Which was super uncomfortable for me because I worry that people have an idea of what they think a "soldier" or "Drill Sgt" is and I don't want them to think that's what I'm like. Or, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging or trying to look tough. Ugh! Sounds so silly to say out loud.
I've known this insecurity was a bit of an issue for awhile, but it wasn't until lately that I see just how prevalent it is in so many aspects of my life. As I'm wrapping up my "eat, pray, love" tour and ready to jump back into life with big plans for the future I feel paralyzed by the fear of putting myself out for the world to see... or judge, or critique. What if I reach my goals and become wildly successful? What if I have to be the face of my brand? What if it all becomes too much and out of my control?! What if I make it big, and then fail publicly? Or, what if I don't reach my goals, and stay small because of fear? That would suck too!
Those self-defeating thoughts are what I've been struggling with and why I'm writing this now. TatumRebelle.com started as the old TMF blog and has been sitting here unused for years. I am not sure what will come of this, but here I am. I didn't want to keep posting personal ramblings on my fitness website, but feel the need to share these thoughts publicly. If I am going to get over this I think it's important for me to practice transparency and honesty without fear of others seeing me for who and what I really am.
There won't be any comments on this blog, and I'm not sure how often I'll write or share the posts. I'd like to get to a point where I don't need others' approval to feel good, or try to fix it when they disapprove. I'm not thinking about whether this is a smart or dumb business move, or what others will think... well, trying not to anyway! Baby steps...